Take That Couples Trip

As a therapist of 20 years, I’m going to give you some free couples advice: don’t waste energy trying to mimic your early relationship. Instead, grow your relationship as you go through life and the parenting years, creating new chapters. Your relationship came before the kids, and it needs investment to be strong when they leave the nest.

One way to do that is date days/nights. If you’re like us, we don’t do them regularly enough, and when we do, it’s too easy to spend date night talking about the kids. Another tip: double date. It creates novelty, gets you to pick a different restaurant or activity than normal (we’re hitting the comedy club next month), and you won’t fall into talking household business.

Another option? A couples trip. A long weekend away is like 3 to 6 months of date nights; take 7 to 12 days, and it’s like a year.

You’ll be shocked how it feels not to parent for an extended period of time. Just think… no chores, kid moods, carpools, meals, naps or bedtime battles. As “the family travel coach,” I’m clearly a proponent of family travel, but I’m also the first to admit that couple’s travel is different and really dreamy.

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Stay out late. Sleep in. Lounge by the pool without interruption. That book you’re reading – you can actually finish it! No plans? No problem. Wander, linger, stay a little longer. Do something more adventurous that your kids can’t yet handle. Roadtrip with no complaints. Walk through a crowd without worry your little will get lost. Talk to locals. Get a massage, or take a nap. Go to a concert or impromptu football match. People-watch over coffee or wine for hours.

You have no place you have to be, no schedule to keep and can make or change plans anytime you like. It’s a freedom you forgot you ever had: both a great brain break (sorry the therapist in me couldn’t resist) and relationship fuel.

Now that I’ve sold you on the idea, let me tell you about our first trips away. We spent a night away at a concert when our older kiddo was nearly one. It was pretty easy, except for pumping and dumping in a tent in the middle of nowhere. It was a great break, but only got us fantasizing about what else we could do with some extended time away.

Once we had two, we started thinking about a 35th birthday trip to Vegas. When we considered the cost, we started wondering about what else we might do with that chuck of cash. We accessed a bunch of hotel and flight points and settled on a 12-day trip to Greece. Yes, we really dove in!

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In our first few hours, we were headed to dinner at the Plaka, when the bellman asked us to step back into the lobby. Giant iron gates came barreling down, locking us in. You can imagine the adrenaline pumping as this jetlagged mom of two (then 18 months and 3 1/2) was told to suck on a lemon slice to stave off the effects of tear gas. I sat in the chandelier rich lobby, chatting with another tourist about Athens site seeing, trying not to think about the potential of orphaning our children.

Turns out political riots are common and quick to pass in Athens. Within an hour the gates rose, our bellman directed us to the Plaka and we were on our way to dinner and what turned out to be a great trip!

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I tell this story not to scare you, but to encourage you to do it anyway.

(Note, you’re more likely to die driving to the grocery than taking a couples trip overseas, so don’t let your mind go there. DO make sure you have a completed will specifying guardianship.)

So once you decide to go, a few things to remember:

• If your kids are young, you’ll either spend a lot of time, money or both creating your childcare coverage. That first trip, we had two nannies and three grandparents taking shifts. It’s worth it!
• You’ll feel a little panicky and unsure what to do with yourself on the flight over, and really until you talk with your kids the first time. That’s normal.
• Facetiming or talking with your kids may go great. One of our first video calls (back when it was expensive with poor connection), our son cut off the conversation abruptly, “okay, bye bye mommy.” I was a little heartbroken but also relieved.
• It may go less great. Our daughter melted down crying, and I finally had to just sign off, fighting back my own tears. Luckily, our wonderful nanny Carolyne messaged me within a couple minutes to say our daughter was totally fine as soon as I was out of sight. Test it out, and be willing to talk to your kid(s) less, or alter whether it’s by voice or facetime depending how your kids do. For really little ones who don’t get the concept of time, it’s sometimes easier for them not to talk with you frequently. It’s also easier for most kids to talk early in the day; once they’re tired and close to bed, they’ll be more emotional.

• Another trick, leave little tokens – outing tickets, new stuffy, bubbles or notes that your caregivers can either give at certain increments or when your kiddo needs a little of your love.
• And of course, bring them back a little something unique to the place you’ve been. Among other things, we brought back flags from countries we visited, which became really fun when they kids started coming with us, collecting their own flags.
• Remember, your kids will miss you and you’ll miss them, and everyone will be fine. Sometimes kids even enjoy when you go, because grandparents and nannies are more lenient with bedtimes and junk food. More importantly, they learn to create emotional bonds with people other than their parents and to rely on each other as well.
• If you just aren’t ready (or don’t have childcare options to leave them at home), hire a sitter overseas and get some couples time while your kids are in tow. They may cringe now when they see you hold hands but again, it’s good for them!

If the kids don’t love it, or punish you a bit when you return (normal), remember, you’re modeling that relationships are an investment, something to cherish and nourish. You’re gifting them the imprint of a healthy relationship, and that is priceless! Feel free to borrow our line, “you get us for 50 weeks, we get us for two.”